Pop Filth!

Hasselhoff Moving To London?

2006-08-23T15:41:00.000+01:00

Bouffant tele/pop/tits star David Hasselhoff is rumoured to be moving to London. According to ‘a source’ he’s “a fan of swanky London areas like Chelsea and Richmond” and will fly into the capital next week to do a spot of house hunting.

Good news for breweries, bored students and hairdressers… not so good news for razors and chandeliers. When asked if he would consider bringing his car over Dave said: “fucKit”.

See fullish story here. Then sing the entire Baywatch theme tune outloud. In your pants.

Sadie Frost Isn’t A Model Beater

2006-08-02T12:44:00.000+01:00

Remember when the Mail on Sunday alleged that Sadie Frost bashed up a model in toilet? Well apparently nor does the model. In August 2005, they accused her of attacking a young model during the after show party for ‘Project Catwalk’.

They went further and claimed that the attack was so brutal that Sadie even had to undergo professional anger management treatment to address her violent streak.

The Mail on Sunday has now acknowledged that they were probably just lying and have agreed to pay court costs as well as a huge amount of compensation for ‘damage and distress’. Sadie wasn’t present in court - possibly amid fears that she'd beat the shit out of everyone present.

Hoff Hates Being Called Gay

2006-08-01T16:46:00.000+01:00

David Hasselhoff (who DEFINITELY didn’t get drunk at Wimbledon) has been slagging off Piers Morgan, former editor of the Daily Mirror. The two starred alongside one another on Cowell’s 'X-Factor' spin-off ‘America’s Got Talent’, but their relationship goes back further. Hoff blames Morgan for propagating tabloid rumours that he was gay during the Baywatch era. Now in a completely sober statement Hoff jeers:

"Piers! Piers is piercing. Piers is rude. All of America hates him because he made a little boy cry on the show. But now that he is a star, I have taught him that he is fair game because of all the crap he used to write about us. Welcome to our world, Piersy, pal. I am going to tell everyone that he is gay and see how he likes it."

I’ll bet Piersy pal enjoyed being ‘taught’ by Hoff - although I can’t help thinking that when you’re trying to spread a rumour, it’s probably best not to say: "I am going to tell everyone [insert rumour here]"...

Prince William Being Pushed Into Marriage

2006-07-31T16:42:00.000+01:00

Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles are allegedly putting pressure on Prince William to ‘pop the question’ to his girlfriend Kate Middleton. According to a Buckingham Palace insider: “There is a slight stalemate, largely because William is unsure over the timing. The royals can see Kate will be an asset and don't want Wills to let her slip through his fingers.”

Both Elizabeth and Charles have described Kate as ‘just perfect’ and she’s popped over for tea at Balmoral on more than one occasion. Royal pundits – posh people without titles - speculate that Charles and Liz fear a repeat of the Camilla crisis 30 years ago - where she got fed up of waiting for his proposal and galloped off into the sunset.

If they like each other anything like as much as they appear to like each others shoes, they might as well go for it. He should make Harry best man so that they can goose-step round Europe smoking pot on the stag do.

James Blunt: 4th Most Annoying Thing Ever

2006-07-31T15:29:00.000+01:00

Tiny pop warbler James Blunt has come fourth in a poll of the nations’ 100 pet hates. He beat ‘traffic wardens’, ‘brown nosers’ and ‘ring tones’ in a survey of over 2,000 people. ‘Cold callers’ came in first place, closely followed by ‘caravans’ and ‘queue jumpers’.

A spokesman for the drinks company who commissioned the poll said: 'It's the little things that are beyond our control which annoy us the most, like novelty ring tones and noisy eaters.' It’s surprising he can get away with referring to Blunt as a ‘little thing… beyond our control’ but completely understandable.

Mel Gibson Is A Drunk Racist

2006-07-31T11:45:00.000+01:00

Mel Gibson, the bug-eyed star of ‘Mad Max’ and ‘Signs’, has landed himself in a bit of trouble with the law. He was caught speeding under the influence last Friday at 87mph in a 45mph zone. It has since emerged that the Lethal Weapon also spluttered racial obscenities to his arresting officer, James Mee. “Are you a Jew?” Gibson asked stumbling out of the car. “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world” he allegedly ranted.

The revelation came as little shock to Abraham Foxman, national director of the Anti-Defamation league, who once described Gibson’s ‘The Passion of the Christ’ as a “reservoir of hatred”. He told press: “it is unfortunate that it took an excess of booze and an encounter with a traffic cop to reveal what was really in his heart and mind”.

Mel, who denies he’s Australian despite overwhelming evidence, has since apologised for his outburst saying: “I am deeply ashamed of everything I said”.

I just can’t wait for his next film. Maybe he could team up with the Hoff and make ‘Mad Max 4: Knight Rider edition’. The dynamic duo could don leather jackets and screech round America on a massive booze run… Kit screaming racist abuse and firing rockets at any infidels they chance upon.

Gillian Anderson Has Baby Inside Her

2006-07-25T01:33:00.000+01:00

'X Files' star Gillian Anderson is pregnant with a human baby. Quoted in People magazine her manager reports:

"She is happy to announce that she is expecting her second child, due at the end of the year, with businessman Mark Griffiths."

The news comes just 2 months after Gillian broke up from her documentary making husband, Julian Ozanne. However, she has been rumoured to be dating Mark Griffiths, the director of a major wheel clamping firm for some time now.

Oh what a pity... and there was me hoping that Mulder had leapt onto the scene and heroically inseminated her to a thumping remix of the X-Files theme tune. The truth, which is out there (and in fact here) is better for once. One time FHM sexiest is breeding with a man who clamps cars. Fast Forward to birth and Griffiths barking: "stop, do not attempt to remove it" etc.

George Michael Denies Bush Romp

2006-07-25T01:14:00.000+01:00

George Michael has hit out at the News of the World over allegations that he shagged fat, 58 year-old, Norman Kirtland in a bush on Hampstead Heath. Reporters from the paper claim he shouted (when confronted):

"I don't believe it! [bleep] off! I'm not doing anything illegal. The police don't even come up here anymore. I'm a free man, I can do whatever I want. I'm not harming anyone."

George has responded by saying: "This story is total [bleep] but its nice to know the News of the World is still so concerned by my well being."

So concerned it seems that they'll follow him bottom first into a bush.

Colin Farrell Is Dry

2006-07-20T12:25:00.000+01:00

Hairy faced Brad Pitt impersonator Colin Farrell is claiming he’s off the booze. The 30 year old star of ‘Phone Booth’ and ‘Alexander’ told the Daily Mirror:

"I was burning the candle at both ends and the flames met in the middle… It just caught up with me. It was a long time coming but I had my arse handed to me on a plate. Now I haven't had a drink for six months… I have a new-found appreciation for my life…

I wasn't suicidal but I never had much of a will to live a long time. Now I want to watch my son grow up, be his friend and his father, and hang around with him. So he's the greatest priority in my life… Life has been a bit of a blur… It has been a trip and I've worked with some incredible people and seen some amazing places… I'm 30 now but I still think I'm Peter Pan - I don't want to grow up”.

It’d be like having an evil, ‘I never had much of a will to live’ Peter Pan for a dad. Just imagine story time… Col sitting on the edge of the bed, a trickle of black, liquid lung seeping out of the corner of his mouth as he slurs about some sordid little adventure - such as the time he begged a 70 year old dame for sex... his son staring at him in bemused horror as he gets up, stumbles over to the window mumbling “I can fly, I can fly” and then topples out in a plume of yellow smoke.

Savage Garden Singer Is Gay And Married

2006-07-20T00:11:00.000+01:00

Remember Savage Garden, the Aussie duo who brought us chart-topping, helium-filled pop ballads such as "Truly, Madly, Deeply" and "I Knew I Loved You"? Well lead singer/songwriter Darren Hayes has 'come out' and announced that he has married his 'boyfriend of two years':

"On June 19th, 2006, I married my boyfriend of two years, Richard... I can honestly say it was the happiest day of my life. "I feel lucky to live in an era where my relationship can be considered legally legitimate and I commend the UK Government for embracing this very basic Civil Liberty...

I'm proud of who I am, and after what felt like an eternity, I'm finally in a place where my heart is secure and content. And I can finally make sense of all of the searching."

I know he was previously married to a woman (high school sweet heart Colby Taylor) but he hasn't exactly 'Da Vinci Coded' his sexuality. First look at his eyebrows in the picture on the right and then look at his 2004 interview with 'Boyz Magazine'. He even put it on his website and did a really gay pose for them.

Cheryl Tweedy Disgusted By Pre-Nups

2006-07-19T23:28:00.000+01:00

Cheryl Tweedy, pictured here kissing a rat, hates couples who opt for pre-nups. They're not savvy, they're "disgusting" she snorts. Here's her phlegmy rant in all it's glory:

"I think it's disgusting. I could understand if you're 93 and you've got billions of pounds and this 24-year-old wants to marry you in a month...

But we're a work in progress. We're going to build our married life together. We're not even thinking about if it ever ends."

Phew, well it's just as well Cheryl's nothing like the woman in her description. She's 23 and her new hubby Ashley Cole's only got millions of pounds - so there's absolutely no danger there. No way.

Kasabian Have Split Up

2006-07-19T22:29:00.000+01:00

A bit... well ok, not really. Their mop-top guitarist/keyboard player Chris Karloff (second from right) has left. Using the age-old 'It's not you it's me' break-up line the band cited "artistic differences". However, according to a source of 'The Sun' there's a whole host of slightly less dull reasons:

"Chris has been clashing with Tom for a long time... After the last tour Chris refused to return to their home town of Leicester with the rest of the band and went to his house in America instead...

That really annoyed the lads and they gave him an ultimatum, 'Come back and work with the rest of us or leave'... Chris was exhausted from the gruelling schedule and didn't want to go through it all over again... But the boys had had enough and gave him the push."

While Karloff "pursue[s] a musical career elsewhere", Kasabian - the secret love-child of Oasis & Stereo MC's - will be off supporting the Rolling Stones in Europe. He must really hate Leicester...

Pamela Anderson Will Marry Rock

2006-07-19T17:55:00.000+01:00

Grab your hat and fake tits, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting married in just over a week - July 29th according to 'US Weekly'. Pammie's online diary reveals her innermost immodium-free thoughts:

"It's been a whirlwind... spontaneous but well thought through... Feels like I've been stuck in a time warp... Not able to let go of MY family picture... it's been sad and lonely and frustrating... I've raised my kids alone in hope of a miracle...

... Well my miracle came and went. And came back and back because he knew that I'd wake up one day and realise that I was waiting for nothing... I'm moving on... I feel like I'm finally free... I'm in love."

My heads about to implode with ideas and questions. What are these 'whirlwinds' and 'time warps' of which she speaks... when can we expect the 'miracle'? Her mind is like an evangelical theme park.

Jordan Wants Keira Knightley

2006-07-18T21:39:00.000+01:00

Jordan, wife of 'I've had a nose job but nobody seems to have noticed' Peter Andre, plans to make a TV movie of her bestselling book 'Angel'. She told press:

"That is definitely happening. We haven't got as far as thinking about who will play me yet though." She went on to suggest Keira Knightley for the role saying: "She's stunning and a very good actress. I'd want someone quite high profile like her doing it."

Well, she is high profile in the sense that Jordan could just about hug her knee if she wore heels. But that's one of three minor issues. She's probably drop-kicking Bloom and Depp into the Caribbean right now, so that she can focus all her energy on becoming a busty orange.

P Diddy Wants You To Stink

2006-07-18T20:49:00.000+01:00

Of him. He's currently working on launching "version two" of his successful fragance. He also told Sky's Neil Sean that he plans to dive head-first into the metrosexual market with his "own range of skin grooming products".

"It will be available in the early part of the new year. I think I can provide for everyone's needs for a successful and beautiful life."

I think I can run faster than light when I'm drunk, R Kelly believes he can fly... I don't see any reason why P Diddy can't provide for everyone's needs for 'a successful and beautiful life'.

Why not? Toothpaste makes me speak better, and ever since I changed deodorant I've kept finding supermodels hiding in my cupboards.

Justin Timberlake Takes Loads Of Drugs

2006-07-18T15:23:00.000+01:00

Cry me a river... of liquid ecstasy. Pop chipmunk Justin Timberlake has revealed that it's not just older women that get him high. He told 'Observer Music Monthly':

"I'm just like everyone else, I get completely plastered, I've done my fair share of drugs and I've been caught places with my pants down. It's just I make sure there are no cameras around...

...They always say too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. I try to live my life in a well-rounded manner. We all make mistakes. I've done too many drugs already. I've already inhaled and already - who knows? ...the drugs I do have been in my own private time."

'Who knows?' Oooh he's so coy. It's strange; now that I know he does drugs, I feel compelled to buy everything he's ever produced. It's like he's cuddly pop fluff AND naughty rock crack all at once.

Tommy Lee And Dave Navarro Tongue Each Other

2006-07-18T15:20:00.000+01:00

Here they are at the ‘Rockstar Supernova’ launch party. Dave’s breaking up with Carmen Electra so it makes complete sense that he’s tonguing Tommy.

If 'Rockstar Supernova' is anything like ‘Rockstar INXS’, judge Navarro’s tongue will dart out of Tommy’s mouth and up the contestants’ bottoms faster than you can say "varifocals".

Gordon Ramsay Gets Sprayed In The Eye

2006-07-18T15:17:00.000+01:00

Gordon Ramsay got a taste of his own medicine, in the eye, during filming of Channel 4’s ‘The F-Word’. He was *tutoring* a team of A & E doctors when Emergency specialist registrar Lucy Bingham sent a stream of boiling hot water searing into his eyeball. She recalls:

"I'd got knocked as I was moving a pan of stock and it fell on to the hob, which is blindingly hot, and it splashed back up at him. I thought, 'It's Gordon Ramsay, ace chef, and I've blinded him.' I was really worried…

I immediately went into doctor mode and thought, 'Sod the kitchen' and rushed over to him. I think he was startled and shocked but thankfully he was fine. I got away without any swearing from him because I think he found it quite amusing how I flipped so quickly into being a doctor."

It’s a shame he wasn’t teaching people with rabies. One whiff of cooked eyeball would have sent them into ‘kill mode’ and we could have seen them tear away at his flappy face skin. It’d be like watching ‘Dawn of the Dead’ without allegory.

Primal Screamer Gets Hurt In The Face

2006-07-18T13:52:00.000+01:00

Primal Scream frontman Bobby Gillespie turned up late for his recording on ‘Top Of The Pops’ because he was recovering from being beaten up in a hotel bar.

According to a band spokesman, after a gig in Madrid "Bobby was in the hotel bar when a guy lunged at him in an unprovoked attack that left him with facial injuries." A UK source added: "Bobby turned up for filming sporting two nasty-looking black eyes and a swollen nose… He looked like he had taken one hell of a beating. Everyone was amazed he even turned up… It’s not easy to hold a note when your nose is broken."

There’s currently no word on what possessed the mystery lunger to go for Gillespie. I can only imagine that Naomi Campbell was in town. Having spied a medicore starter nearby, she probably mistook him for some sort of priceless cushion or light fitting.

Carmen Electra And Dave Navarro Marriage Breakdown

2006-07-18T00:06:00.000+01:00

Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro have split after nearly 3 years of marriage. There is no news as yet as to why the marriage has broken down, but Electra's PR reports that "they are amicably separating." I would have put it: "separating amicably" but nevermind.

Dave - a hairy, but expertly manicured dwarf - was probably batting a little above his league. Having said that, his predecessor was Denis Rodman and he's possibly the ugliest man alive, so it could be worse.

Looking at her men, she clearly likes tattoos. Denis, Dave and [ahem] former 'flame' Tommy Lee all have them in abundance. Maybe she can upgrade and marry Blink 182... or even better, that man with the cat face.

Fleas Make Crap Dads

2006-07-18T00:00:00.000+01:00

Red Hot Chili Peppers' infamous bassist Flea is rubbish at soothing injured children. He told Manchester radio station Key 103 that when his daughter banged her head:

"She was crying a lot, so I locked her in the closet. I couldn't hear her any more so I presumed she was asleep."

Nice. Although I think the head banging and crying had more to do with her upset at being named 'Sunny Bepod Balzary' than anything else. It sounds like one of Shakespeare's curses after 10 cans of Special Brew.

Naomi Campbell Has Smashing Starter

2006-07-17T21:09:00.000+01:00

Naomi 'likes a fight' Campbell has go on a fighty rampage again - this time on water. It all started when she decided to treat her new beau Prince Badr Jafar to a deluxe meal onboard his £1.5 million yacht. She hired a local chef from il Porto in Viareggio, where they were docked, to do the honours.

When Naomi saw the chef's choice of starters and wine selection, she started screaming. Her rage soon esclated and a battle with nearby furniture commenced.

Italian press estimate the diva damage at around £30,000 ($50,000). Priceless antiques, china plates, crystal glasses, light fittings and cushions were among the casualties.

I completely understand where Naomi's coming from. There's nothing worse than settling down to meal with your billionaire partner... on a yacht, only to have someone less beautiful than yourself fail to read your perfect mind. He should have his incompetant head impaled on the mast.

Nicole Richie Is A Hippie

2006-07-16T23:30:00.000+01:00

A happy Nicole Richie was spotted leaving the super trendy Kitson boutique in Beverly Hills. It must be hard finding clothes that fit when you weigh less than air. Unless of course you dress like a hippie. Then it's ok.

She seems to be going for the ~~drape some ill fitting, colourful rags over your bones~~ 'bohemian chic' look at the moment. It must be working for her; even her neck ribs are smiling.

Paris Hilton Gropes Women

2006-07-16T23:23:00.000+01:00

Paris celebrated the launch of her debut album, 'Paris Hilton' with a celebrity booze up at the Polaroid beach house in Malibu.

Oil dick Brandon Davis took time out from rehab to join in the festivities. According to Splash News, he spent his entire time "slamming cocktails and smoking".

Who cares. I'm more interested in Paris's lesbian glove. When she's wearing it she's all: 'lift your arm up so I can fondle your breast', but as soon as it's off she looks disgusted - like she's just seen a poor person.

Avril Lavigne Loves Wang

2006-07-16T20:05:00.000+01:00

Canada's favourite punk midget has tied the knot. She married Sum 41 frontman, Deryck Whibley at a private estate near Santa Barbara, California yesterday.

Far from being a grubby festival of stripey pop socks and goth cakes, the couple went for an uber-traditional affair. The Associated Press reports:

"Lavigne wore a Vera Wang gown, carried white roses and was walked down the aisle by her father as Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" played".

Pete Doherty Shoves Foreign Object Into His Body

2006-07-14T17:09:00.000+01:00

Pete Doherty has vowed to have an opiate-suppressing implant shoved inside his body, to help tackle his drug addiction. During one of his compulsory drug treatment reviews he told Judge Jane McIvor that he intends to have the operation within the next couple of weeks.

The Judge said: "You are going in the right direction… It's not easy, especially in your circumstances. I appreciate that entirely… I think your concentration should be, within six months of the order, to get a negative test."

I like to think this’ll work, but I keep getting brain flashes of Doherty slipping about in his own blood, needle in one hand, butter knife in the other, desperately trying to locate the implant...

fails... calls Kate.

Sarah Harding Back With Steve Jones

2006-07-14T13:36:00.000+01:00

And to think we were duped into believing that the blonde one from Girls Aloud was going out with Stephen Dorff? She was spotted cavorting with her ex Steve Jones in a London bar according to the Daily Mirror. The source said Sarah was “all over” Steve. "She was seen on his knee and kissing him passionately”.

So there you have it: either Sarah has some kind of timeshare deal with blokes called Steve, or she’s just bored with Hollywood. Who cares! Just think of all the celebrity love juices festering in Jones’s battle-scarred loins.

He’s been linked with Halle Berry, Pamela Anderson and even Angelina Jolie (sort of-ish). If Sarah’s savvy she’ll have swabs and a juicer to hand. I’m thinking some sort of Jolie-Berry smoothie with added Hep C.

Luke Wilson Loves Uma Thurman

2006-07-14T12:00:00.000+01:00

Luke Wilson has been having real difficulty breaking up with co-star Uma Thurman during the filming of his current film, My Super Ex-Girlfriend. He told all and sundry:

“It’s not that believable… When we were shooting the movie, she would do something really crazy and funny, which I find so attractive in a woman, and I’d have to remind myself, ‘Now remember, Luke, you want out of this relationship.’ I had to draw on all of my acting training.” He drawled on... “One time I had a cab driver who told me, ‘I don’t buy that at all. You leave Uma Thurman? No, that wouldn’t happen… It sounds like horseshit to me.’ I had to agree with him.”

Wait, all his acting training? No, surely not all of it? There must be enough nuggets of acting gold in Old School alone to see him though. It’s nice that Luke felt lusty enough to invent a chirpy cab driver character to add credibility. It’s a bit like getting your invisible friend to ask someone out for a date with you and then nod soberly and say: “yes, Mr Wibbles is probably right, you should sleep with me”.

ed note: thanks to filther who noticed I was on crack and confused Wilsons.

Shane Lynch Doesn't Fancy His Sisters

2006-07-13T23:46:00.000+01:00

Dastardley viewers of Love Island (vaguely familiar celebs fighting for gak money) have voted for Boyzone's Shane Lynch and model Sophie Anderton to move into the 'love shack' together - for the second night running.

Lynch told cameras: "Somene who reminds me of my sister is not a good look. As far as relationships go, she just reminds me too much of family. She looks like one of my twin sisters."

Sophie, who used to take four dumps a day on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, is undettered and will probably do anything to hold onto the inky oompah-loompa and his giant metal rod.

Princess Diana Cameraman Quickie

2006-07-13T22:50:00.000+01:00

A former ITN cameraman is claiming he had sex with Princess Diana (yawn). In his biography: Through the Looking Glass Sebastian Rich describes a crap, whirlwind romance filled with sultry looks and mouthings of "I love you". The affair took place during the filming of the ITV documentary In Public, In Private.

Staff at Clarence House are insisting that the rumours are "untrue", which proves that he must be lying. Nothing gets past them.

This is such a tawdry story I nearly drifted into a coma writing it. The only saving grace is that the balding glutton merrily reveals that the actual sex bit only lasted "two and a half minutes".

Say It Ain’t So! Weezer Disband

2006-07-13T18:04:00.000+01:00

What?! A mention of actual ‘pop’ on popfilth? Next we’ll be showing you actual pieces of shit.

Weezer, the band that brought us Island In The Sun, Hashpipe and The Sweater Song, are er… disbanding. In an interview with MTV, Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo revealed: “Well, the band is all back in Los Angeles, and I sometimes I speak with Patrick, and I occasionally e-mail with Brian and Scott, but we've never mentioned getting together. Really, for the moment, we are done. And I'm not certain we'll ever make a record again, unless it becomes really obvious to me that we need to do one.”

Rivers is currently living in Japan with his new wife Kyoko. Far from stifling his creativity this dull, new, life-stage has left him “feeling pretty creative and excited”. He’s been churning out lyrics like a maniac, but told MTV with furrowed brow: “I don't know what'll happen with these songs – if anything – I just sort of write them and I can't stop. I certainly don't see them becoming Weezer songs, and I don't really see the point of a solo career. So we'll just have to see.”

I can see his point; it’s a bit like masturbation really. I can’t ever see myself doing it with a group, but at the same time I don’t really see the point of a solo either. And yet, why the guilt? The sooner we can find a way to inject music and sex directly into our brains the better.

Cole To Marry Tweedy This Weekend

2006-07-11T21:55:00.000+01:00

Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Tweedy is so relieved she’s losing her budgerigar surname this weekend that she’s celebrated with a ridiculous photo shoot for the National Lottery. Here she is at the Jasmine Studios in London with footballing hubby-to-be, Ashley Cole.

It looks like Ashley’s bidding for a car and Cheryl's so excited she's excreting a white mist. Sort of like Footballers’ Wives meets the Philadelphia advert, but with farting. There’s no way their wedding will be anything like as tacky as Jordan and Pete’s. No way... not after this.

Housewife Looking Desperately Bad

2006-07-11T21:29:00.000+01:00

Who's this mustachioed senorita? Why it's Eva Longoria of course.

According to TMZ, she was spotted moseying about Hollywood "with pal Mario Lopez" - without wearing any makeup. Gosh.

Think of the millions of fans who voted her to the top of Maxim's Hot 100 list. Twice. You’d feel like you’d voted for an anorexic bear. What happened to the smouldering, bendy, latino vixen we know and love?

Picture Team L’Oreal raising their fat, manicured hands in a collective “Oh my Gawd”; then diving head first into a sea of molten foundation.

Will Young Still Gay

2006-07-11T21:16:00.000+01:00

More upsetting news for Will Young's lady fans. He's still gay. Probably.

Here he is with a mystery man outside his home in North London. He was also seen making hand contact with him in this strange car ritual.

I'm not quite sure what they're doing, but it appears as if they're taking his car skipping. Car looks happy though and that's the main thing.

Matt McConaughey Loves Costa Rica

2006-07-11T17:06:00.000+01:00

Matt McConaughey's been having huge amounts of fun in Costa Rica recently. His split with Penelope Cruz seems to have had one of two possible effects on him. a) Losing her virile charms has made him ugly and tired or...

b) He’s been out on the piss taking loads of drugs and saying "shhhh" to girls with astonishing earlobes.

Someone Has Been Bugging Paul McCartney

2006-07-11T00:29:00.000+01:00

No no, not his one-legged wife - although it'd be annoying if she kept leaving her leg lying around - you'd feel absolutely ridiculous if you tripped over it. It's bugging of a different sort altogether. The Mirror reports that Paul McCartney's phone conversations have been taped. After receiving a package from a mysterious third party, Heather told Paul: "get into the car. I have something I want you to listen to". According to a source "he couldn't listen to the whole thing" and emerged looking 'white as a ghost'.

Heather had just played him a recording of a phone conversation he'd had with his daughter Stella McCartney. In the conversation Stella goes on a bilious rant against Heather and says she believes all the reports that she was a high-class hooker. Heather is now furious and 'considering a court order banning Stella from seeing Beatrice'.

That'll no doubt enamour her with the public further. She is reputedly already being 'jostled in the street' and on Tuesday was even 'dumped in Brighton by a taxi driver who asked her to get out.' I think it might be time she hopped across the pond so that she can kick-start the next leg of her new life. Ugh, these leg gags are getting boring. Soz. Hang on... I'll put a sock in it.

You Are The Son Of A Terrorist Whore

2006-07-11T00:08:00.000+01:00

Is what Italian defender Marco Materazzi said to Zinedine Zidane in the World Cup final on Sunday. It was these words that prompted the monk-crested football god to head butt him in the chest.

According to an expert lip reader from the Daily Mail: “First defender Marco Materazzi spoke in Italian - a language understood by Zidane who once played for Italian side Juventus - grabbed his opponent and told him 'hold on, wait, that one's not for a n***** like you… then, as the players walked forward Materazzi said: 'We all know you are the son of a terrorist whore.'”

Zidane’s mother is seriously ill at the moment and had just gone to hospital on the day of the final, adding further weight to the insult.

I don't think I've ever heard so many terrible things said in such a small space of time. Clearly Matarazzi should be punished in a suitable manner. I'm thinking 6 months of being constantly headbutted in the chest by unicorns.

Kelly Osbourne Nearly Gets Fired

2006-07-07T17:23:00.000+01:00

Kelly Osbourne - chalk-faced baby from Trainspotting in a Goth wig – has just escaped a firey brush with death. The 21 year old was “in bed when she smelt smoke coming up from downstairs”. Thankfully she wasn’t hurt and has now “gone off... to film some scenes for Project Catwalk”.

This isn’t the first tragedy to befall her parents’ Chalfont St Peter (or thereabouts) abode. In 2003 Ozzy flew off his quad bike, nearly ending up paralysed and just a year later a masked burglar skipped off with 2 million pounds worth of family jewels. This time it was probably Kelly’s vile angst that set fire to the house - but surely this spate of incidents should be seen as some sort of warning... like gag Sharon or else.

Lionel Blair Wants To Help You Undress

2006-07-07T16:58:00.000+01:00

Rasping flip-flop Lionel Blaire has allegedly been out soliciting for man-sex. According to a Holy Moly mole he was in the Kingston branch of Zara when:

“… [he] saw Lionel staring drool-mouthed at him and made the mistake of making eye contact… The oak-panel-skinned prancer followed him into the changing rooms and inquired - with a chilling lick of his lips - if the mole needed any help "fitting into those trousers". Excuses were hastily made and the mole fled the shop.”

If you’re anything like me, from now on all your dreams will be like a lungey film clip of Blair, his lizardy eyes and darty little tongue jabbing away at you. He’ll possibly be wearing his gym kit. That is of course unless Natalie Umbruglia accidentally exposes her front bottom next time she's round to my house. Which is most nights. Then the spell’s broken.

A New Addition To Russell Crowe’s Nest

2006-07-07T15:39:00.000+01:00

Russell Crowe is making the news once again, but this time he’s kept his swarthy, pugnacious digits firmly in his pockets (if nothing else). In Sydney’s Royal North Shore Hospital Danielle Spencer (his wife) gave birth to a baby Crowe - a healthy young boy named Tennyson Spencer Crowe.

Speaking to press after Danielle had ‘unleashed hell’ Russell growled: “Dani is great, mate, everybody is fine… We will call him Tenny for short.”

When asked to explain his awful choice in name he explained: “mainly because it’s just different”. Ah good, I was wondering how to go about naming the hundreds of children I’ve probably fathered. How about Beer Tits Music Sausage after some of my favourite things? We could call it Beery Tits for short.

Robbie Williams Has A Spliffing Good Time In Denmark

2006-07-07T01:26:00.000+01:00

Pass the doobie. Cheers. Robbie’s been all controversial again by visiting a place where people actually smoke weed. Copenhagen’s Commune of Freetown Christiania (population 800) is a 'partially self governing community with semi legal status.' That means it’s a hippie zone where dope smoking is oooh kaaay.

He took time out from his European tour to potter down Christiania’s main boulevard, often dubbed ‘pusher street’ on account of the readily available drugs (although hard drugs such as crack and heroin are banned).

Locals initially cacked themselves when they saw Robbie's minders thuggishly spluttering into their radios, and assumed it was a police raid. But, according to a source of The Sun, "people soon recognised who he was and he was made welcome."

Robbie even bought a sweatshirt with ‘Save Christiania’ emblazoned on the front. It all adds to his liberal attitude toward drugs, which’ll no doubt anger ‘all-celebrities-are-role-models-to-my-weakling-children’ types.

Oh dear, I’ve just thrown a whitey and now there are carroty chunks blocking all the ridges in my keyboard. Pass the doobie. Oh sorry, I've got it... wait is that a CD? Looks like glass petrol... What?

Michael Jackson Leaves Kind Phone Messages

2006-07-06T22:41:00.000+01:00

Michael Jackson, who’s currently busy exiling himself to Europe to ‘re-launch’ his career, is being sued for $4 million by a man who claims he owes him money. Marc Schaffel says that he was never paid in full for two videos he made for Jacko, or for a $300,000 delivery he made to Brazil - for one of his ‘personal matters’.

The Jury were played recorded phone messages Jackson had left Schaffel. In one of them he squeals: "Marc, please never let me down. I like you. I love you… I really want us to be friends and conquer the business world together. Please be my loyal, loyal friend."

'I love you… please be my loyal, loyal friend?' The last time I heard that was after a conversation about who’s dad’s the strongest-est. We then swapped stickers and played patter cake.

Gordon Ramsay Gets A Fucking OBE

2006-07-06T21:57:00.000+01:00

Gordon Ramsay has been awarded an OBE for "for services to the hospitality industry". The TV chef (F-Word/Hell's Kitchen) accepted the honour from the Queen at Holyroodhouse, in his native Scotland.

I can almost see why Jonathan Ross got one last year, he’s quite funny. But Gordon Ramsay? He's made a career out of pointing kitchen utensils at newbie chefs and screaming “fuck" at them until they cry. It’s a bit like rewarding a playground bully with whore vouchers and a platinum knuckleduster.

Pete Doherty Loves Kate Moss’s Bones

2006-07-06T13:07:00.000+01:00

Pete Doherty has hinted that his relationship with Kate Moss is not completely over, just “up and down”. In an interview with Jonathan Ross (Friday Night with Jonathan Ross) he said: "She's had enough, I think. I love her bones, I always will."

Doherty also claimed he’s “battling to beat drugs”. He told Ross: "For the first time in my life I'm upping the stakes in my battle against it." He’s currently tested twice a week for crack and heroin use and is determined to get clean: "Being clean means I can sit down and rediscover writing. My song-writing suffered, being on drugs."

Former best mate and Libertine Carl Barat would agree. Doherty robbed his house in 2003 after being ousted from the band for drug abuse. In hindsight Pete realizes that his 6 month jail sentence (reduced to 2 months on appeal) was: “the cleanest I found myself - even though jails are riddled with drugs.”

I think he really means it this time. Just to be sure though, maybe we should send him on an all-you-can-inject holiday to Afghanistan. He could take one of Moss’s bones for company, maybe her shin, that way he could use the power of love to stave off temptation. If he’s still clean after 42 years then he should be allowed to return home and marry her magic bones.

Ashley Judd Has An Imperfect Head

2006-07-06T00:55:00.000+01:00

"I was unhappy, now I'm happy," says Ashley Judd. "Now, even when I'm having a rough day, it's better than my best day before treatment."

The 38 year old star of Double Jeopardy and Heat told Glamour magazine that she spent 47 days in a Texas Treatment centre to sort her head out. "I needed help... I was in so much pain" she groaned.

Judd blames her sad head on a "dysfunctional" childhood. As a result she developed compulsive tendencies including obsessive cleanliness. She often found herself furiously scrubbing plastic surfaces on planes and cleaning hotel rooms over and over again.

"Now I try to remind myself that if I engage in perfectionism, I am abusing myself" she told Glamour magazine (out August). Let’s get this straight, she’s a relentless cleaner and when she masturbates she is engaging in 'perfectionism'… and yet she’s married to this guy?

Keira Knightley Has Anorexic Ancestors

2006-07-06T00:03:00.000+01:00

Press were soiling themselves last night after Keira Knightley turned up to the Pirates of the Caribbean premiere wearing a low cut Gucci dress. She was asked by one journalist: “How does it feel to be called anorexic?” Tucking bits of bone back into her dress she replied “I can safely say that I’m not”.

FHM UK’s sexiest woman continued the debate at a press conference afterwards:

“I’ve got a lot of experience with anorexia – my grandmother and great grandmother suffered from it, and I had a lots of friends at school who suffered from it, so I know it’s not something to be taken lightly and I don’t. But I don’t have it, I am very sure of that.”

My guess is that having to kiss Bloom's hairy child-face put Knightley off her food indefinitely. She even seems disgusted by that tasty orange that she's being offered.

Lil' Kim Eats Up Jail Time

2006-07-05T19:08:00.002+01:00

Lil’ Kim has been released from a federal detention centre after serving 10 months for lying in court. The trial was over a gun battle that broke out between rival rap posses in 2001.

Swaths of fans were waiting to greet the not-that-little rapper, much to her prisony delight. She waved a brief ‘I’ll be back’ gesture, walked straight into a silver Rolls Royce and then remerged in a car park further down the road.

There she wowed fans by blowing kisses and shouting “I love you”. Presumably she spotted a human-sized cake somewhere in the middle of the crowd.

David Cameron Is Cooler Than Kate Moss

2006-07-05T15:07:00.000+01:00

David Cameron, leader of the Conservative Party in the UK has topped Tatler’s annual “Hot 100” list of party goers. Dave and his wife raced ahead of former big guns such as Kate Moss, Mick Jagger and Madonna to be named London’s most desirable party guests. The magazine (out Thursday) claims the couple are “courted by every aspiring hostess”.

I don’t know how magazines like Tatler acquire these amazing facts, but there’s no doubting it, they are amazing. It’s like the Editor compiles lists by shouting the first words that come into her head. It’s lucky we don’t write our articles that way, otherwise this would be entitled “fuck, balls, shit”.

Kate Moss Is Addicted To Bad Love

2006-07-05T01:35:00.000+01:00

Kate Moss’s love life is well documented. First scag head Pete Doherty, then reformed crack addict Russell Brand. Surely this kind of love can’t be good for her complexion? A source told the Mirror: "Kate wants to work through why she always wants bad boys. She's convinced that her attraction to wild guys is down to the traumatic split between her parents when she was just 13."

‘Working through why she always wants bad boys’ means Moss is now seeing a psychiatrist. According to the source her large breasted friend Sadie Frost is encouraging her to take charge of her life: "Kate's seen what a difference it has made to Sadie's life and how much happier she is, so she wants to go back to her past and try to come out much stronger."

Maybe one day Kate could be just like Sadie. She could smear herself into sweat and make sure she's only ever photographed falling out of cabs with one breast hanging out.

Yoko Ono Solves McCartney Rift

2006-07-05T00:55:00.000+01:00

Yoko Ono, John Lennon’s extraordinarily unappealing ex-wife has pledged her support to Heather Mills. The uni legged Beatle marrier has been the butt of a great deal of media criticism ever since stories emerged that she used to prostitute herself to Arabs and pose naked in German sex books.

Yoko’s quoted in the Mirror saying: "I feel very bad for her. I know better than anyone what it's like being a Beatle wife; nobody gives you an easy time”. She went on: "The thing I keep remembering is how, just before Heather gave birth to her and Paul's daughter, he told me how happy he was. He actually said: "I feel like I've been given a second life'”

Yoko’s like a mystic healer. I can just picture Paul, leaning back in his chair… a smile spreading over his face as he recalls how he felt that day. He’s probably out drinking with all her old clients right now, exchanging sex photos and kicking himself at what a silly billy he’s been.

Gisele Thinks She’s Ugly

2006-07-04T18:04:00.000+01:00

The supermodel once voted ‘Most Beautiful Girl in the World’ by Rolling Stone has decided that she’s losing her touch at the grand old age of 25.

Gisele told UK style mag Arena: "I definitely feel that I had more men hitting on me in the past. When I was younger, maybe 15 or 16, for sure… Maybe I am not as good-looking? I don't know. Maybe my age has started showing? I take off my sunglasses and I'm 25."

Men preferred her 15-16 year old look? Ugh. Thankfully magazine covers indicate otherwise (stop it Glitter) she’s graced 7,000 of them, second only to Princess Diana – who shouldn’t be too hard to overtake. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

So even Gisele 'the gazelle' has her little insecurities... Funny when you consider her ex was Lenoardo DiCaprio and she’s currently dating the most famous surfer in the world, Kelly Slater. She’s also worth an estimated $150 million. If you halved Giselle and divided her money by 150 you’d still have a 6 foot Brazilian millionaire...

David Walliams Flaps About In The Channel

2006-07-04T17:09:00.000+01:00

Little Britain star, David Walliams is attempting to swim all the way to France to raise money for UK charity Sports Relief. He’s cobbled together an impressive $642,000 and looks in good shape to succeed. Walliams recently completed an 8 hour qualifying swim in Croatia, but it’ll take him an estimated 10-15 hours to cross the Channel.

It’s not just the distance (21 miles) he has to worry about, part of his training has been to ‘fatten up’ to help cope with the Channel’s notoriously cold waters.

Walliams left Folkestone at 5.40am to secure the maximum amount of daylight, meaning he should arrive some time in the early evening. That is of course if he isn’t eaten by a mutated turd or drowned in child sick by passing ferries.

Kristin Davis Is Beautiful To 34-Year-Olds

2006-07-03T23:31:00.000+01:00

Kristin Davis from Sex and the City (you know, the one that went out with the enormous mini-me) has been voted the most beautiful woman in the world by Eve magazine. Editor Sara Cremer says: "Kristin's natural beauty, combined with her on-screen presence, make her a woman with style and substance".

Catherine Zeta Jones, Halle Berry and Nicole Kidman came 2nd, 3rd and 4th respectively. Counting down the fingers with both hands Cremer observes: "All the women in our top ten are in their 30s and 40s, proving women just get better with age". Yes: Fact. Or... maybe you've got a '30s and 40s' readership (actually 34 to be precise). Soz.

Lily Savage Nearly Snuffs It

2006-07-03T22:40:00.000+01:00

Paul O'Grady, aka Lily Savage and host of the enigmatically titled Paul O'Grady Show, is recovering from a suspected heart attack. The 51 year old was rushed to hospital after complaining of severe chest pains. This isn't the first time Paul's had a ticker tantrum. In 2002 he had an operation to widen a blocked artery after his first heart attack.

A spokesman for Channel 4 said: "We are shocked and concerned by the news... Along with Paul's many fans we are wishing him all the very best". The hospital have confirmed that Paul is "comfortable" and well on the road to recovery.

As a result of the scare O'Grady has vowed to do give up smoking. Not one to abandon his trademark granny-moistening wit he coughed: "Lambert and Butcher have had to lay off 200 staff". After catching their breaths and reassembling their split-sides nurses eventually got back to work... scooping a turd coloured lung off the floor and informing the 'Michael Caine-alikes R 'Us' that Paul won't be able to do his 'blow the bloody doors off' sketch this week.

Naomi Watts Possibly Pregnant... Maybe

2006-07-03T18:27:00.000+01:00

King Kong's girlfriend might be 'with child'. Naomi Watts has kept everyone second-guessing ever since paps spotted her leaving a fertility clinic in Brentwood, California. The Anglo Australian star has made no secret of her desires for a family: "I wish it could have happened a little bit sooner. I have wanted a family since I was 19" says Watts.

Pregnancy pundits are convinced that pictures of her attending the 'Shakespeare in the Park' gala in Central Park, New York prove that she's pregnant. She "noticeably traded her style-setting wardrobe for a range of baggy, shapeless garments of late" says the Daily Telegraph.

Why don't they just pour tea into a saucer and ask what colour God's hair is? Pah, oh well, finally a good use for the Watts wonder nips... (see here for Sean Penn's demonstration)

Purple Mariah

2006-07-02T13:56:00.000+01:00

Lilting pop mentalist, Mariah Carey, has devised a new way to maintain her expressionless sheen. She’s convinced that purple food such as grapes and plums have wrinkle banishing qualities. Mariah now scoffs three purple meals every week. A source quoted in The Sun said:

"It sounds off-the-wall but it's a huge injection of healthy food in one go. Purple products are nature's best weapons in the battle against ageing. There's a saying that 'a plum a day keeps a facelift away'."

Needless to say purple also happens to be Mariah's favourite colour, so the logic behind such a diet is flawless. What exactly is she going to eat though apart from grapes and plums though? Veins? Perhaps she could have 'purple parties' with guests snorting up lines of lavender and downing pints of blood.

Sadie Frost Beats Pete Doherty With Breasts

2006-07-01T00:38:00.000+01:00

Jude Law's ex used to hit Pete Doherty with her breasts. Pete recalls how bashful Frost wouldn't get the hint, in an excerpt from his soon to be published journals:

"...she being the 40 year-old Sadie Frost... For starters when I asked her with (more than a jot of) discretion not to continue bashing me with her knockers every time she spoke to me, she responded with a deplorable tantrum which induced the outrage: 'I can't help if my tits are bigger than Kate's'."

It seems like only yesterday Sadie was telling Pete on her talk show (episode 1 of 1) that she "wouldn't normally be a groupie, but for The Libertines, maybe." Perhaps blood-painting narco-poets are an intoxicating whiff of alpha piss to boho-lites.

Pop Filth exclusive: Midnight, Friday: Doherty spotted hanging outside car window and waving guitar at Filthy McNasty's pub in Amwell Street, Islington. (Thanks to Mr N.L for spot)

J-Lo Blackmailed By Man With Crap Name

2006-06-30T23:48:00.000+01:00

J-Lo’s ex hubby needs to be stopped, according to her lawyers. Ojani Noa has been desperately trying to sell kiss-and-tell filth to the gossip rags, despite being gifted a $125,000 settlement to keep his mouth shut. The 36 year old Latino fears that unless he receives a court judgment preventing him from doing so, Ojani will blather her sex secrets to anyone who’ll listen.

Ojani's currently being accused of demanding a further $5 million from J-Lo to keep silent. The prosecution have just received word that he’s also been trying to flog a “revealing” honeymoon video to the tabloids. Thankfully J-Lo's bottom is so large that watching the video is a bit like watching Dan Dare's chin playing on a trampoline. Probably.

Pammy Loves Nudity And Animals

2006-06-30T23:19:00.000+01:00

Hepatitis soaked airbag Pamela Anderson has been out cracking paparazzi lenses again. The Baywatch star posed naked for the PETA annual gala held at Stella McCartney’s Mayfair boutique. Pam hoped to raise public awareness by prancing about in the noddy with an “I'd rather bare skin than wear skin" banner. Dyslexic bears are shitting themselves - in the woods.

She also handed out awards to various PETA favourites including Sir Roger Moore and Martina Navratilova. Both men seemed delighted with the accolade. Two less delighted celeb absentees (probably out chasing baby leopards with mallets) were J-Lo and Bouncy.

According to pagesix.com Pam said: “people see stars like J-Lo and Beyonce wearing fur and they don't think about the cruelty that goes into it." I didn’t know Bouncy was into fur, but by shit if she’s doing it I want in. Look out for the guy wearing the cat hair T-shirt and thong made from Labrador.

UB40 Shit In Bed

2006-06-30T16:40:00.000+01:00

UB40 caused a shit storm after gigging in Nottingham. Hotel cleaners apparently found a poo in one of the band members’ beds.

Said pooer reputedly heard vacuuming on the morning of their departure and wandered out into the hallways completely naked barking “fuck off” to staff. His pleas of “don’t you know who I am?” must have worked because it was only after they’d checked out that the prize was discovered. Sounds like he had a shit night… (source popbitch)

KISS: A 24 Hour Whore

2006-06-29T15:08:00.000+01:00

Ancient rock cock, Gene ‘KISS’ Simmons has made an out of court settlement with an ex-girlfriend after she accused him of slander. Georgeann Walsh Ward felt she was portrayed as a “sex-addicted nymphomaniac” on a VH1 rockumentary called 'When KISS Ruled the World'. Although she was never mentioned by name, her photograph was featured no less than 11 times and lawyers argue that the programme “repeatedly falsely portrayed her as an unchaste woman”. The pair finally came to an ‘amicable resolution’ yesterday and a joint statement was released acknowledging that Simmons had played no part in putting the show together and that Ward had received no money from him. So she lost then...

Gene (real name Chaim Klein Witz) likes to refer to himself as a “24-hour whore” and claims he’d slept with over 4,600 women. “No woman was off-limits” growls Gene. 4,600 women? His genitals must look like a third world Petri dish. Old balls covered in lice and welts and a rotting, angry penis excreting some sort of deadly, rancid puss. Probably best to put it back in your trenchcoat Witzy.

Heather Mills Thinks She’s A Beatle

2006-06-29T13:43:00.000+01:00

The one legged McCartney marrier famous for er… having one leg is convinced her end is near. Heather now sees herself as a sort of George Harrison/John Lennon figure and fears that she, like them, may suffer an atempt on her life. Mills feels her highly publicised divorce with Paul McCartney – A real Beatle may spark off an assassination attempt.

As a precaution Mills has been filming passers by and paparazzi in an attempt to keep tabs on any potential attackers. Snappers camped outside her home recall her saying: “John Lennon was shot and George Harrison was stabbed and loads of kids are kidnapped". They failed to note her next move, but I imagine it involved her hopping from room to room, boarding up windows and sawing off shotguns… the A-Team music blaring in the background.

Gordon Ramsey Feels Gay Men Appreciate His Penis

2006-06-28T00:50:00.000+01:00

Gordon Ramsay has yet again been splurging his wit into the ears of anyone who’ll listen. When asked why he has so many gay fans he smirked:

‘I know why they like me – I look good in or out of my top and I have a huge widger, so what is not to admire?’

‘What’s not to admire?’ Excessive use of the word "fuck"? An etched, sagging face that makes most people want to shit. Razors. Repeatedly? Lest we forget, the last time Ramsay talked about his about his penis it was to his son and involved carrots.

Billie Piper Hates Money

2006-06-27T20:53:00.000+01:00

Billie Piper, has piped up and vowed not to seek any money from her flaxen haired ex husband - media mongoloid Chris Evans. The large-mouthed stargazer (Piper) told the Radio Times: "I'm not taking a penny from him. I think that's disgusting."

Incredibly she wasn’t talking about Chris, she appears to be opining about the recent spate of alimony banditry that’s been inked all over the front pages (not you Mills - you deserve a leg-up).

Piper went on to say: "Chris and I found each other when it could have gone badly for both of us, and we saved each other from our worlds of madness… In my head it was perfect, the first time in years I felt happy. It was simple and sweet." Ahh, Billie, still ‘sweet’ as ever and perhaps even more ‘simple’.

Gwyneth Paltrow Kicks Pop Career Into Orbit

2006-06-27T16:05:00.000+01:00

The almost beautiful but ultimately bloodless wife of Coldplay has been spending time with electro guru William Orbit. No not for sex! Gwyneth Paltrow wants to make an altogether different kind of music with the man often credited with rejuvenating Madonna’s haggard old vocal chords.

According to a source of The Sun Orbit said: “We bumped into each other and got talking and it turned out she was really keen to do some recording. We’ve already done a track which will make a brilliant first single.” He went on to say: “Gwyneth had messed around with Chris – so to speak. But she would not work on music with her husband. She feels like she would be treading on his toes.”

Yawn. Flat sounding vocals jazzed up with beeps and whistles. Cue epileptic music video featuring the elf-like Apple mother float about the place like an ethereal fart on some tawdry voyage of self discovery.

Axel Rose Bites Leg

2006-06-27T16:00:00.000+01:00

Axel Rose has been released from jail after biting a Swede in the leg. Guns' N Roses were touring in Stockholm when it all got a bit much for the 44 year old rocker. After an impressive all night booze fest, Rose stumbled into the Bens Hotel at 8am with an unidentified woman. The two began arguing at which point a guard turned up.

Seconds later Rose had lamped the guard and had a chew of his leg - which later needed 'medical evaluation'. Police were quick on the scene and quickly 'handcuffed and restrained' Rose before flinging him into a cell for the day.

The beady haired legend was later released after agreeing to pay a $5,500 fine and $1,360 in damages to the limping guard. Five words: "Welcome to the jungle, baby".

Maid Thinks Naomi Campbell’s A Hard Hitter

2006-06-27T15:16:00.000+01:00

Naomi Campbell has been smashing her minions in the face again. Probably. Gaby Gibson, a grunt in the supermodel’s army of maids, is suing her for heavy petting, or as the court documents put it: "personal injuries, employment discrimination, civil assault, civil battery" and some other stuff.

Naomi’s got a bit of a history of maid bashing. Today her lawyer’s battling it out with Ana Scolavino, who claims Campbell whacked in the back of the head with a mobile phone. Apparently she was convinced that she’d stolen her jeans.

That explains why she never answers my calls. I imagine her dented handset’s all covered in maid brain and hairnet. Hard to see the ‘accept’ button.

God OK With Urban And Kidman Marrying

2006-06-26T21:20:00.000+01:00

Nicole Kidman has finally tied the knot. She married lank-haired country bore Keith Urban today despite a) the World Cup and b) God not being happy. Australia lost to Italy so they got away with that... but God?

Catholic pundits have been questioning whether Kidman should be permitted to marry as a Catholic, having previously been married to a dwarf. Size doesn't matter, but marrying twice does - especially as they didn't get an annulment.

Father Coleman, who married the couple, told press: "The Catholic Church sets down requirements to have a valid Catholic marriage. In the case of Nicole's first marriage, those requirements were not fulfilled." Ah, so getting married in the Church of Scientology doesn't count.

You can just imagine God peering down at Kidman's first wedding, shaking his transcendental head in disbelief at the figure of Elfman, darting in and out of shadows, accusing guests of "baby rape". It was probably at the point the small spaceship beamed Tom up to Kidman's mouth that he voided the whole thing.

Anne Hathaway’s Co-Star Loves Her Breasts

2006-06-23T17:34:00.000+01:00

Stanley Tucci, 45, developed a fondness for Anne Hathaway’s breasts during filming for Devil Wears Prada. Hathaway said: “He would just smack me in my boob and elbow me. It really hurt, so, after about the fourth time, I finally said, Stanley, can you please stay away from my tits?”

Her protestations had little effect on the ham-faced New Yorker, who just drooled doggedly and barked: “What do you expect? You’re flinging those melons around like its harvest season.”

Yes, harvest seasons - they have a lot to answer for. I want to know why he’s specifically using his elbow to touch her breast and more importantly whether he uses it to do all his touching. Annoying man to play catch with.

Madge Mothers Lohan

2006-06-23T16:31:00.000+01:00

Maddona and Lindsay Lohan have reportedly got very close to one another. So much so in fact that they may even be planning to make a new movie together. Scoop was told by an insider: “Madonna’s giving Lindsay advice on her music career and she wants to work on a film with Madonna, too!”

It looks as if Madonna will also mentor Lohan her in ~~teenage phase~~ quest for Kabbalah nirvana. The source revealed: “They’re going to visit the Holy Land.” Israel is no doubt holding it’s breath. Madonna upset many Kabbalists back in her 2004 with her Bond video ‘Die Another Day’.

Rabbi Yitzhak Bazri (the son of a well-known Jerusalem Kabbalist scholar) says the symbolism within the video breaks all sorts of religious taboos. First she ‘weaves phylacteries over her arm’ - a custom reserved for Jewish men, and then she leaps from an electric chair ‘on which Hebrew letters spelling out one of the 72 sacred names of God appear.’

Shaking his fist Yitzhak told Reuters: "To do this is forbidden. It's disgraceful." He then hurled his ‘Like A Virgin’ album across the room with such force that it maimed several people… in different rooms… probably.

Hoff Hits Back

2006-06-23T15:34:00.000+01:00

Not literally. Earlier in the week David Hasselhoff was accused by his wife of breaking her nose and calling her a c*nt. In an interview with Soledad O’Brien for CNN he hit back at the allegations saying: “The only person who broke my wife’s nose was a plastic surgeon, darling.” O’Brien continued to push Hoffy’s buttons, asking him more and more questions about his estranged wife and, last straw-ily, his kids:

“Right. And you conned me into this, because you said you weren’t going to talk about this” spat Hasselhoff.

I then like to think he biffed her Batman and Robin style in the nose and urinated all over the set. In reality both remained seated and she weaselled, smugly: “Oh gosh, I never agree on conditions before I do any interview.” She probably did a little fart in her knickers at the same time.

Halle Berry Picks A Cherry

2006-06-23T15:17:00.000+01:00

Breast of Swordfish Halle Berry has started dating Canadian model Gabriel Aubrey. He’s 10 years younger than Berry (40) and is billed as one of the world’s top male models, earning up to $30,000 a shoot. TMZ have had a little dig and found that Gabe, unlike her previous lovers, is relatively clean. He has ‘no criminal record, no indications of infidelity’ and ‘no signs of abusive or otherwise relationship-wrecking behaviour’.

All this must make a nice change for Berry. Her previous two marriages both ended in divorce and she almost went deaf in one ear after a fight with another ‘unidentified’ ex. Berry told press that paying alimony to her most recent husband Eric Benet was “not good, especially when he cheats on you like 27 times.” Hopefully Halle’s new beau will be a keeper; it’d be terribly bad luck if he turned out to be an ear hating philanderer.

Lohan Takes On Paris And P Diddy

2006-06-23T14:50:00.000+01:00

The 19-going-on-14-year-old ‘it’ chick has been fighting again. Lohan followed Paris Hilton into the bathroom of NYC night club Butter last night to yap at her about ex boyfriend Stavros Niarchos, who Loho’s now rumoured to be shagging.

Meanwhile P Diddy and his enormous gang were busy nicking her table. When she came back to find a haze of cigar smoke and fur in her spot she kicked off. A witness reports that one of his bodyguards simply picked her up and moved her away.

A Diddy posse spokesman later said: "Lindsay was being so loud and obnoxious. His security became concerned and came over to escort her away." On leaving the club Lohan insisted Team Diddy be chucked out. She was ignored. Possibly with contempt.

Richard Ashcroft Loses His Verve

2006-06-22T17:34:00.000+01:00

Richard Ashcroft has been arrested after visiting a youth club in Wiltshire and refusing to leave. Ashcroft, who was drunk (presumably because ‘the drugs don’t work’) entered The Bridge Club and demanded to work with the children. When his offer was politely declined he swore and refused to go away, prompting staff to call the police.

An eye witness reports: "He was very strung out and close to tears at one point. He kept saying he wanted to work with kids, that he wanted to do 'good things'… He wasn't aggressive; in fact he was quite charming and friendly. He kept hugging some staff and kids. But when the police arrived he was almost begging to be arrested. They told him to go quietly but he wouldn't." He was fined £80 for ‘disorderly behaviour’.

Ashcroft takes Prozac, describes himself as "a depressive" and was brought up by a Rosicrucian (see here) from the age of 11. I’m not even sure what that last word means but I’m pretty sure it involves dark robes and secret passwords. Maybe he could teach them how create heavenly light using the power of hugs.

Hasselhoff Accused Of Breaking His Wife’s Nose

2006-06-22T17:26:00.000+01:00

Pamela Hasselhoff has accused her estranged husband of violence and swearing. The news comes just weeks after they agreed on having joint custody of their children, which many believed signaled an end to the hostilities. Not Pamelhoff, she believes the Baywatch star should be punished for a string of verbal and physical attacks on her. A court document details how in December last year Hoff "grabbed" his wife and "pushed [her] hard into a car." She claims: "In the past, he has also broken my nose and called me a 'whore,' 'c**t,' 'bitch,' 'slut' and 'drug addict' in front of our children."

David responded in court with the declaration: ~~#Aaaaahy’ll be ready, I’ll be ready!#~~ "I categorically deny each and every...allegation." I really hope none of this is true, except the c**t part. Just imagine if the Hoffmeister got banged up? Bouffant hair, alcoholism, Germany… all these things that were invented by Hoff. Life without him would be like being reincarnated as Pete Doherty’s kitchen floor. You might get the odd person lie on top of you, but ultimately they’d be unconscious, and you wouldn’t feel anything either – you’re a floor.

Reese Witherspoon Not Pregnant Just Fat

2006-06-22T15:52:00.000+01:00

Reese Witherspoon has filed a lawsuit against Star magazine after they claimed that she had a ‘baby bump’. Her legal response is: "the true facts are that [Reese] is not pregnant, does not have a 'baby bump' and has not otherwise gained weight such that she has had to resort to wearing 'Empire-waist dresses,' 'baggy clothing,' or an 'old-fashioned 1920's bathing suit.'" Incredibly everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that she appears to be drowning a small child.

Star maintain the intentions behind publishing the story were not cruel. In an interview with TMZ a spokesman for the publisher said: "It is a frivolous lawsuit. It has no legal merit and we intend to vigorously defend it and have every confidence that we will prevail… The article asks the question as to whether or not she is pregnant based on her physical appearance and clothing that she was wearing and we believe we have every right to ask that question."

If I was Reese I’d stay very quiet, put on a balaclava and hide until the ‘pregnancy allegations’ blew over… or pursue the legal route even further until the entire world spends it's lunch break jabbing ‘reese witherspoon fat pregnant baby bump’ into google.

Noel Edmunds Gives Everyone A Scare

2006-06-22T15:30:00.000+01:00

Deal or No Deal presenter Noel Edmunds has revealed that his right arm has stopped working... a bit. “I am in agony” says Noel, "I didn't know what was wrong so I went to a consultant in Bristol”. The star of Multi-Coloured Swap Shop and Noel’s House Party was told by an orthopedic consultant that he was suffering from 'repetitive strain injury' caused by repeatedly picking up the phone during the show.

Noel whined: "The phone is pretty heavy and I have to pick it up a dozen times a show. We shoot three shows a day and it got so painful that I could hardly pick the bleeding thing up.” Like a front line soldier Noel bravely snorted: "I've had a steroid injection and am picking up the phone in a low kind of underhand arc instead of with a showy overhand way. We have changed one camera angle so it doesn't look too odd." Noel’s reputedly making £3 million a year to pick up phones and laugh at pictures of handicapped children (see here).

Klum Will Give Birth To Baby Seal

2006-06-22T14:50:00.000+01:00

Soothing Seal has just announced that his supermodel wife Heidi Klum is pregnant again. He told People magazine: “It gives me great joy to announce that Heidi, Leni, Henry and I are expecting a new addition to our ever increasing family.” The couple had their first child together last year, Leni being an offshoot from Klum’s previous relationship with Italian businessman Flavio Briatore. The arrival of another sibling should confirm once and for all that Lani isn’t a solitary sister.

Seal, who had lupus as child (hence burny face) is clearly excited. He told People magazine last year: “the arrival of any child brings you a lot of happiness”. He's clearly lying, but I don’t think the Seal-Klums’ need to worry, their child will be a paragon of good behaviour. If it isn't instantly melted by Klum’s Teutonic beauty, Seal can send it into a pleasant coma with his magic, rasping warbles.

Orlando Bloom Isn’t The Best Kisser

2006-06-22T10:41:00.000+01:00

Keira Knightley has admitted that Johnny Depp is a better kisser than Orlando Bloom. Keira had to snog both raven heads during the filming of Dead Man’s Chest, the sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl. When asked by InStyle magazine who was a better kisser she cooed: “Johnny Depp certainly wasn’t bad”.

Brilliantly Bloom told Top of the Pops magazine earlier in the week: “She’s [Keira] a great kisser and a lovely and very funny person. She’s absolutely gorgeous”. I don’t know why Keira isn’t attracted to the Calcium Kid. I imagine it’s because it’s probably like kissing a mal-nourished but enthusiastic bear. Next time instead of telling the world she’s a ‘great kisser’ maybe he should gift her his Elvish Elixir of Life - like Liv Tyler did. That way if she rebukes him again at least he can kill himself.

Kate Beckinsale Has Powerful Breasts

2006-06-22T01:12:00.000+01:00

Underworld: Evolution star Kate Beckinsale has revealed that she can squirt breast milk several metres. In an interview with Jay Leno she described the superpower as a "useless talent", but was nonetheless astonished at the strength of her own nipples. Kate discovered the skill after giving birth to her daughter Lily (by ex-partner Michael Sheen). She quickly found that she could "hit the wall from quite a distance".

You have to wonder at how she discovered the ferocity of her nipples. I can only imagine that she constantly plays with her breasts, a bit like a pornstar. Lilly must be sick getting squirted in eye everytime she steps out of line. Still, useful for making tea at distance. Kate's like a spitting cobra made out of breast.

Craig Charles Smokes Crack

2006-06-21T23:06:00.000+01:00

Craig Charles, star of Red Dwarf, Robot Wars and most recently ZZZzzzz Coronation Street, has been indulging in "Naughty Friday" sessions. The 41 year old father of three has been photographed and observed by the Mirror taking crack and reading porn.

According to the 'Mirror' Charles bought £600 worth of crack 'from his regular drug dealer' and then instructed his driver to take him to his 'dosser' flat in Manchester. During the 4-hour car journey Charles smoked an incredible 60 hits of the tramp-pleasing anger dust. He also instructed the driver to stop 9 nines to 'buy porn'.

Charles has been suspended from both Coronation Street and the BBC Radio show he hosts, 6 Music. The 'Mirror' have also presented a full dossier of evidence to the police. This isn't the actor/presenter has had a run in with the law, he was acquitted of rape back in 1994.

Read the Mirror's original story here. Further allegations have since been made that Charles used to take part in mammoth 12 hour crack sessions with prostitutes. A soap star smoking crack with crack whores? It's like learning that the tooth fairy is just a smelly hand shoving non-inflation adjusted coins under your pillow. Apt really, both are after your teeth.

Blunt Possibly Worse Than Coma

2006-06-21T22:51:00.000+01:00

James Blunt's music hasn't killed someone. The shock news came at Royal Manchester Children's Hospital where Claudia De'Alwis was spending time in a coma. The 5 year old fractured her skull after falling from a balcony and doctors feared she may never recover.

However when Claudia's 'favourite' song came on ('You're Beautiful') she began stirring and has been recovering steadily ever since. Her father Paul told bemused Blunt-hating reporters: "After the accident Doctors warned us she might not make it. It was an unforgettable moment when she opened her eyes."

Not convinced. I think little Claudia was so disgusted when the song came on that she ripped herself from heaven, and returned with the hope that some small gesticulation might spur her parents into switching it off. Now that Blunt's been coined the 'hero' she'll no doubt have to listen to his inane hermaphrodite warbling for the next 13 years.

Office Romance

2006-06-21T22:27:00.000+01:00

Lucy (Dawn from The Office) Davis is engaged. Her 6 month whirlwind romance was thrust to the next level when boyfriend Owain Yeoman (Lysander in Troy) proposed to her. Now she's prancing around LA wearing an enormous ring.

Boringly, Lucy's set to star in the sequel to Garfield. Interestingly her dad's Jasper Carrott - which makes her seem absolutely ridiculous through no fault of her own. I think they should take the surname Carrotman, as a tribute to her father.

Jay-Z Calls Cristal "Racist"

2006-06-20T22:59:00.000+01:00

Jay-Z is refusing to buy Cristal after he deemed comments by managing director Frederic Rouzaud to be racist. In an interview with The Economist Rouzaud was asked whether Cristal and it's association with a flashy (possibly Hip Hop) lifestyle are detrimental to the brand name.

He answered: "That's a good question, but what can we do? We can't forbid people from buying it. I'm sure Dom Perignon or Krug would be delighted to have their business".

Jay-Z told the Associated Press that he viewed the "comments as racist and will no longer support any of his products."

It's odd that Mr Jay-Z can't see how misogynistic, murder condoning, lyrics could be seen to have undesirable connotations. Maybe he's drunk on champagne? I'll give him the benefit of the doubt though. I'm going to go to an animal rights meeting dressed entirely in whale skin. If anyone looks at me funny I'll feel completely within my rights to harpoon them.

Hilary: Not Up The Duff

2006-06-20T17:00:00.000+01:00

Just-about-ok-to-fancy-her-now teenager Hilary Duff has come out and said she’s a virgin:

"It's harder having a boyfriend who's older because people just assume. But [virginity] is definitely something I like about myself. It doesn't mean I haven't thought about sex, because everyone I know has had it and you want to fit in."

So Hilary Duff has closed up her muff. No doubt her rockstar ‘Good Charlotte’ Joel Madden boyfriend has been furiously stabbing his penis with joy ever since he found out.

Celebrity Dance Off

2006-06-20T16:49:00.000+01:00

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton were have had a dance-off in an NYC club called Stereo. It started with more of a ‘stand off’ earlier in the week, when Hilton exchanged words with Lohan about dating Stavros Niarchos (her ex-boyfriend). But the time for petty verbal squabbles is over...

Both girls were in the VIP section of the club where they danced non-stop to ’80 s music. According to the witness, "neither wanted to leave and it kept going… No one was going to leave before the other… They were really dancing, non-stop. It was funny… they didn't say a word to each other, but they were literally a foot-and-a-half away from each other the entire time." The pair finally left at 7am when the club owner shut the venue.

A dance off is a bit like an iceberg on a glacier on an ice planet – it’s pretty cool. In fact they should be made to do this 24/7. But by the same climatic token... sweaty gash anyone?

Paris Rocks The Joint

2006-06-20T16:37:00.000+01:00

Gossip from the king of gossips. A staffer from TMZ sat two tables from Paris Hilton at the Pink Elephant nightclub in NYC. He observed something white and spliffy in her hands – possibly a spliff. He then saw her friend take ‘two hits’ of what looked like a ‘fat, hand-rolled cigarette’ and observed that ‘their table reeked of marijuana’.

It’s hardly getting your vagina out on camera and zapping it across the internet, but well-done nonetheless Miss Hilton. For your next trick, how about a dance off with a firecrotch? Yes? Thanks.

Brandon Davis Has Gone Into Rehab

2006-06-20T16:29:00.000+01:00

Who? No idea. Apparently he’s the son of a billionaire oil baron. Better than being the son of a gun/bitch I suppose. He recently checked himself in to a Malibu rehabilitation clinic telling press: "Yes, I am checking into rehab today… I am on my way right now."

The greasy haired ~~celeb~~ ~~heir~~ cock hit the headlines recently when he went on a tirade about what he calls Linday Lohan’s Firecrotch (see here). In it he tries to impress a giggly Paris Hilton who faffs about pretending to make a phonecall.

At $75,000 a month the clinic presumably works by plunging the addict into such exorbitant debt that they can’t afford to buy any more alcohol/drugs (or the basic weapons needed to procure them). Davis is too rich for that though, he sweats oil. He’ll probably just have to carry on being a dick.

Britney Can't Be Buggered With Namibia

2006-06-20T00:02:00.000+01:00

Reports that Britney and Kev will have their second baby in Namibia, just like Brangelina, have been quashed. Leon Jooste, Deputy Environment and Tourism Minister for Namibia had said during a telephone conference earlier that: "She has shown interest to come over to Namibia... Nothing has been confirmed yet, but there is a definite possibility of that happening."

However, Britney's publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnik e-mailed The Associated Press soon afterwards with the words: "Not true".

It's probably just as well. I'm pretty sure K-Fed doesn't have a passport and lets be honest it's not exactly Brad and Ange. Jolie still looked like Jolie when she popped, Britney's turned into a fat crier.

Katherine Heigl Gets Engaged

2006-06-19T23:00:00.000+01:00

Grey's Anatomy star Katherine Heigl is engaged to ‘Almost Honest’ vocalist Josh Kelley, according to People magazine. The singer silver-tongued his way into Heigl’s grey anatomy after she took part in a shoot for his music video “Only You”.

“You're gonna go eat dinner with us, and you can't say no” he said... probably with his chest puffed out like a courageous 3 year old. She agreed, no doubt out of fear, and they started dating. The wooing was complete after he wrote her a song called 'Katie’s Song'. Heigl gushes: "It was one of the most thrilling and romantic things that I've ever experienced, and it makes me really like him bad."

I like to think Kelley uses his original line to get other things like: “you’re gonna go down on me and you can’t say no”. He could even get philosophical and say: “you’re gonna say no and you can’t say no” and then recline into his favourite chair and let her flap about silently until he's finished watching TV.

Country’s Urban Is Sexy

2006-06-19T22:49:00.000+01:00

Nicole Kidman’s fiancé is good-looking… for a country singer. Keith Urban came top of Country Weekly’s ‘sexiest man’ poll, beating household names such as Toby Keith and Trace Adkins. The Aussie couple are due wed some time this summer.

I think the flame haired beanpole must be losing her touch, which is a shame, because I’ve always maintained that she has a nice bottom. It’s like she’s taken Sawyer from Lost and given him hair straighteners, a guitar and disproportionately large knees.

Angelina Jolie Is Paid Stupidly

2006-06-19T22:29:00.000+01:00

In an interview with CNN, Angelina Jolie admitted to reporter Anderson Cooper that she gave third of everything she earned to charity: "Yeah, well, I had a stupid income for what I do" she cooed. She also revealed said that giving birth was terrifying:

"You know, because you're there for the birth, which I wasn't for my first two kids, you're just suddenly terrified that they're not gonna take a first breath… That was my whole focus. I just wanted to hear her cry."

So Jolie, who appears to be indicating that Brad has an enormous penis, is generous with money and likes it when children cry. I don't think a child could cry in her presence, she's too good looking. In fact anyone who sees Jolie in the flesh should immediately pour bleach into their eyes so that they never have to see anything less beautiful.

Heather Mills Witch Hunt

2006-06-19T20:16:00.000+01:00

Noticed how most of Heather Mills’ sexposés have come from The Sun? According to an insider from News International it's because Rebekah Wade, editor of The Sun, doesn't like her and her relationship with rival rag The Mirror.

"The Mirror was being very sympathetic towards her because they thought they were going to get a Heather Mills interview. Rebekah has never liked her, and she said let's nail her. There is a misplaced theory that this is being co-ordinated by Macca's people, but that's not the case."

Paul and Heather first met at an awards ceremony being held by the Mirror in 1999. I can see why Rebekah might hate her. The public view Mills as some sort of hopping slut, which isn't great, but at least she's a slut. Rebekah's perceived as an angry redhead who keeps beating up her 'Grant from Eastenders' husband. Bless.

Kate Moss Snorts Up Cocaine Charges

2006-06-16T15:03:00.000+01:00

Kate Moss has been cleared of drug charges. The Crown Prosecution Services ruled that there’s no “realistic prospect of conviction”. Pictures published in the Daily Mirror, taken from fuzzy video footage in September, showed Moss snorting a white, cocainey substance. Director of ‘serious casework’ Rene Barclay suggested the substance could indeed be cocaine, but it could also be ground ecstasy pills or amphetamines. Due to the poor quality of the footage, which was taken in a recording studio in London, it’s impossible to tell. Barclay concluded:

“in the absence of any forensic evidence or direct eyewitness evidence about the substance in question, its precise nature could not be established… To obtain a conviction, case law establishes that the prosecution must prove beyond reasonable doubt the legal category to which the substance being used belonged”. As amphetamines are a Class B drug and Cocaine/Ecstasy a Class A drug, Moss cannot be convicted.

The fashion industry take a hard line on cocaine and there was a great deal of teeth gnashing and nostril flaring when the pictures were first published. Now the charges have been dropped Moss can breathe easy again, but she's probably still got a nasty taste dripping down the back of her throat. Maybe she could line-up a big celebratory party with all her Class A-list friends. "Hello Sienna? Hold on there's someone on the other line..."

Tom Cruise Is Powerful

2006-06-16T14:17:00.000+01:00

Star of 'Risky Business' and 'Days Of Thunder' Tom Cruise has been voted the most powerful celebrity in the world by Forbes magazine. His highly publicised romance with Katie Holmes and a spate of blockbuster paypackets (£40 million for 'War of the Worlds') ensured he saw off the likes of the Rolling Stones and Oprah Winfrey ( 2nd and 3rd respectively).

Not-gay Cruise, who’s often best remembered for his roles in Cocktail and Top Gun, is also a renowned Scientologist. Results of the poll surely won’t go unnoticed by the Galactic Confederacy. Maybe if he slays 12 virgins, paints himself in magic dust and ingests a mushroom through his nipple he’ll be assured a place in Scientology heaven – a sort of wiccan spaceship.

Stone Rolls Downhill

2006-06-16T13:58:00.000+01:00

Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood has had to readmit himself to the Priory (a London rehab clinic) for alcohol abuse. The band seems unabashed by the news. Keith Richards shrugged: “So what if Ronnie’s in rehab? He likes it there”. Mick was equally bothered: “it was a 40 year habit” and Charlie: going on tour “without alcohol it’s a bit boring”. The news comes at a bad time for Stones fans hoping to see them performing live on their Bigger Bang European tour. Although Wood’s spokesman has assured press that he: “will definitely be fit for the first night”.

No doubt Regular Ronnie’s Priory bed was still warm. He checked in this time last year after an incident at a restaurant with his wife and supermodel pal Kate Moss. A mole told The Sun: "He had clearly been drinking and caused a scene by crawling under the table, pretending to bite people's ankles." Hopefully his stay will be a brief one this time around. They already had to postpone the tour earlier in the year after Keith Richards had to undergo brain surgery. He fell out of a coconut tree in Fiji.

Billie Piper Gives Doctor The Finger

2006-06-16T12:36:00.000+01:00

23 year ginger mogul marrier Billie Piper has quit Doctor Who. In a shock revelation Piper croaked: “It has been an amazing adventure, and I can confirm it comes to an end – for now at least – as series two climaxes.” It’s not the first time Billie’s left an old man in the lurch, although the last one was more ‘tard than tardis *insert riotous guffaw here*. The cheeky Danny Baker hugging swine.

Executive producer Russell T Davies has confirmed that she’ll leave the show with “a stunning exit”. Oooh I can’t wait. No doubt David Tennant will accidentally poke her in the eyeball with one of his uber-camp finger wags and she’ll spend the rest of her show crumpled on the floor singing ‘Because We Want To’, until the last drop of blood evaporates from her eye socket and she’s sent flapping around the room like a deflated balloon.

Lindsay Lohan Sees Food For The Second Time

2006-06-15T14:57:00.000+01:00

Lohan’s been out and about town again, pleasing restaurateurs and wowing guests. She hired a private room at the Spotted Pig in New York’s West Village. After they left waiters found that ‘someone had vomited all over the room’.

You can just picture the next guests (Chelsea Clinton and co) slurping up hors d’oeuvres and commenting to one another on the ‘strange smell’, their sandaled feet slipping and sliding over lumps of bilious stomach matter. (Kudos Popbitch for the story).

Charlotte Church Not Fat Or Married

2006-06-15T14:35:00.000+01:00

Charlotte Church has hit back at nasty media speculation that she’s fat. She told Reveal magazine: “I’ve got boobs, I’ve got a bum. I think I look pretty good naked, and as soon as I don’t, I’ll do something about it.” She went to say: “If you think I’m fat, get a life.”

It’s been a busy time for the chorister turned pop singer. She recently turned down a non marriage proposal by rugby boyfriend Gavin Henson, after he romantically suggested they marry by ‘mutual agreement’. In an interview with New! magazine she said: “I’ve told him he has to go down on bended knee. I want the ring all fucking picked out and ready”. I can just picture the conversation: Church angrily spitting Gaelic profanities in his face while he calmly scoops handfuls of wax into his hair and whistles to Hard House.

Gordon Ramsay Can Make Your ‘Widger’ Grow

2006-06-15T14:23:00.000+01:00

Shouty celeb chef Gordon Ramsay has been telling his son that if he eats lots of carrots his penis will grow. In an interview with The Daily Mail he said: "With my son, Jack, I tell him the more carrots he eats, the bigger his widger will grow. After each mouthful he keeps looking down the front of his shorts to check." He went on to say: "Of course, there's only a short period in their lives when you can tell them that kind of thing and they'll believe it, but in the meantime you're getting them over their resistance to these foods."

I don’t know why Ramsay’s telling him lies, or indeed why he’s making him wear shorts. Perhaps he’s setting his son up for a hilarious ‘long term’ prank involving his ‘first time’ and a line that goes something like: “It was carrots that did that”. One things for sure though, until then he’ll be invincible in the schoolyard what with his supersonic night vision and his enormous carroty penis.