Kelly Osbourne Nearly Gets Fired

Kelly Osbourne - chalk-faced baby from Trainspotting in a Goth wig – has just escaped a firey brush with death. The 21 year old was “in bed when she smelt smoke coming up from downstairs”. Thankfully she wasn’t hurt and has now “gone off... to film some scenes for Project Catwalk”.

This isn’t the first tragedy to befall her parents’ Chalfont St Peter (or thereabouts) abode. In 2003 Ozzy flew off his quad bike, nearly ending up paralysed and just a year later a masked burglar skipped off with 2 million pounds worth of family jewels. This time it was probably Kelly’s vile angst that set fire to the house - but surely this spate of incidents should be seen as some sort of warning... like gag Sharon or else.