Elizabeth Taylor Not Dead

According to Larry King and his supposedly 'live' show, Elizabeth Taylor is not dead. King, who's also suspiciously old, asked the 74 year old what she made of media speculation that she has Alzheimer's disease and worse still, that she's 'dead'.

"Oh come on! Do I look like I'm dying? Do I look like or sound like I have Alzheimer's?" she said. Larry then leaned forward and pulled what looked like fish wire with a deft chopping motion - which caused her head to rotate like a real person. She carried on, blood dripping slightly from a hook embedded in her skull: "Some audience out there ... they like scandal. They like filth. And if they want to hear that I'm dead, sorry folks. I'm not. And I don't plan on it". After forcing King to gawp at her new line of tacky overpriced jewels, Taylor was thrust back into her wheelchair and plopped neatly back into her coffin car.