Age Before Beauty

Everyone’s least favourite Londoner, Madonna has taken over from Kate Moss as the ‘new’ face of H&M. Old Madonna, aged 47, was chosen largely because she’s never been caught snorting fairy dust on a video phone. Guy Richie will be over the moon, having failed to direct a whore to a brothel since Snatch way back in 2000.

Now I’m all in favour of change; by all means thrust a slightly different beautiful face into my peripheral vision from time to time… but Madge? It’s a bit like insisting that we all start fancying Elizabeth Taylor just because she used to be beautiful. Actually it’s worse; at least Taylor has a cool chair and lots of jewels. Madonna has become this terrifying yogic granny, who creeps up on people with her lithe bones and sagging skin and gyrates maniacally. From now on I am going to limit myself to only buying plain T-Shirts from H&M. They’re very reasonably priced and fit like they were painted on with silk.